Expectations in Relationships

Hello World,

We have all done it…

Why do we expect a great deal from our loved ones? Why do we expect them to just know what to do or say what we want we want to hear? And what if the roles were reversed? Maybe you always expect a birthday present from your parents. Maybe you expect your romantic partner to read your mind all the time. Maybe you expect your best friend to not be late or make you wait for an event. Yes, we have all done it. We all expected and became upset when our expectations were not met. But is if fair? We are missing a point when we put the “expectation” strain our loved ones.

Goal oriented expectations…

Expectations are good for goals and for us. If we are working towards achieving our goals we should always forecast for the outcome we expect. This will help us create plan A, B, and C to tackle any sort of obstacles we may come across; Adaptability – Your Biggest Competitive Advantage.  Having goal oriented expectations is a tool to prevent failure. For example, I know I am expected to complete a 30 minute abs workout every day to achieve the expected body type I want to achieve. If I fail to work out every day then my expectations are not met.

But when that expectation is on someone else…

You are putting in effort to achieve an expected result, is different from when you expect someone else to fulfil your goals. Having expectations on others  behavior is unfair. We forget that! We are good old emotional human beings after all. We are close to our friend, family and loved ones. We take their love for granted and think, hmm they love me so they must know me so well, therefore I expect them to know exactly what I am expecting from them! High expectations on your loved ones is another word for selfish and toxic. We completely forget that they have emotional and physical limitations. They have their own thinking and perceptions, they might not see a situation as eye to eye.

Some people just like taking and not giving. We are selfish because we expect our loved ones to not expect the same in return. We expect from them but become cold when they expect from us. Perhaps it’s because when the roles are reversed we have limitations too!

Roles Reversed…

Do you want to be dependant on your spouse 80% and expect them to fulfill your share of goals? While you put in 20% in the relationship. That is a pretty unhealthy relationship. First off, you are placing strain on your partner. Second, you are giving away your independence, (never become dependant on anyone!). Third, you telling me that you lack self-esteem and you need someone else to help carry your share of work.

A good relationship is when the partners are working on goals in parallel. They share feedback and are constantly motivating each other but they let each other keep their own identity. They let each other work on their own goals and success. And when the two bring their knowledge, and success together they become a complete power couple! These two are unstoppable!

Until next time…

Dla

 

 

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Adaptability – Your Biggest Competitive Advantage

Hello World,

We should all adapt and become more resilient…

In today’s time we all need to be resilient to our current, ever changing environment. Not being able to adapt proves to be a BIG disadvantage in today’s day and age. Everything is changing, whether it be business, technology, relationships, you name it. If we are not keeping up and stopping to accept to change with the time then failure is waiting for us outside our front door!

Comfort Zone, what a sweet place! NOT!

Comfort zone is killer! Comfort zone is not letting you progress! I am telling you, comfort zone is your worst enemy! This is what is exactly stopping us from adapting to change. Come on even dating has changed; I remember some time back when some of you use to complain and say, No! I won’t go on a dating site, it’s for losers!!! Now tell me how many of you have Tinder today? But if you had still kept that same old mentality as you had few years back about getting on a dating app/site, who would be a loser in today’s time?!

Yes, you have to adapt with time. If you were looking to date and thinking, hmm the person will just come knock on my door step, well I have news for you sweetheart, the last Tinder statistics update show estimated 50 million users are just taking their chances and finding a partner while you are sitting at home waiting! You will fail to achieve if you don’t put yourself out there, don’t work it and step out of the comfort zone.

Uncertainty…    

Why is it hard to step out from where we are comfortable? Because yet again, we are afraid of the unknown. Uncertainty scares us. We are good where we are, saves us from being judged, failure and disappointment. But it also stops us from progress. Nowadays, a HR Generalist evaluates your candidacy upon your ability to adapt to the work place. They look for the following,

  • Handling emergencies or crisis situations
  • Handling work stress
  • Solving problems creatively
  • Dealing effectively with unpredictable or changing work situations
  • Learning work tasks, technologies, and procedures
  • Demonstrating interpersonal adaptability
  • Displaying cultural adaptability
  • Demonstrating physically oriented adaptability

In order to master the Adaptability, the skill of being resilient need to be learnt. We have to change our mindset to become more optimistic. If you had a sudden loss of job, what would be your immediate action to that repercussion? An adaptable person, would have a quick Plan A and a Plan B to that unexpected situation. A resilient person, would bounce back right away to put Plan A and B to work. 

Prepare for the worst…

Businesses are always changing and competing with other businesses. Way to sustain in the  ongoing race, businesses use point of sale systems and adaptive data mining applications to collect information to forecast trends. Lightly speaking, Nokia failed to forecast Apples advanced technology innovation. Blockbuster refused to change and adapt to new world of digital on demand television aka Netflix.To adapt and grow, you always have to be on top of the trend.

What to do?

Do your Research, study your market! Think out of the box! Push yourself a little! Be more optimistic and open minded. Set small goals towards the change every day, make sure there is check mark beside them every night. Learn how to forecast, try to predict what might go wrong, and brainstorm Plan A, B and C. Don’t be afraid to fail…

Remember failure is only failure if you didn’t learn anything from it!

Thanks,

DLA

Risk – Is it Scarier taking a Risk or Not taking One?

Hello World,

Why are we afraid?

What is stopping us from taking that next step? Why do we just stop at our dreams and go back to living our daily routine? Is it that we can’t accept change or is it just because we are deeply afraid of failure?

It’s human nature to always focus on the Cons vs. Pros when we are making a decision. We tend to look at what may go horribly wrong rather than what might turn in a very positive, fruitful outcome. Let’s say we have a friendly neighbor named Bob. Bob is a 30 year old male who hates his daily life as a boring Banker. He is stuck in a dull repetitive cycle and he wishes he could change that at any cost. Bob’s dream is to start a his own Financial Consulting business. The Pros to this decision; Bob will be his own BOSS! His finance will grow faster than it does now. He won’t have to work 9-5. He will have the freedom of making his own decisions. Bob will living his dream, which in other words mean that he will be very, very HAPPY! But instead Bob would be more focused on the Cons of this decision: He might fail. There is no job security. Money will not flow in weekly. He might lose tons of money. He will be judged by others because he is incapable of running his own business. He won’t be able to get back up after he loses all this money in a failed business. He doesn’t know how much work and time this business might ask of him. The list of Cons are endless. Hence Bob decides to keep his daily 9-5 job and gives up on his dreams.

BUT WHAT IF…    

But what if we are over-thinking? What if it’s not as bad as Bob, our friendly neighbor, is making it to be? We are all neurologically wired to over evaluate how bad the outcome of our decision would be. We fear the risk of stepping out of our comfort zone. We fear not being in control. We fear failure. We fear being judged. How good we are at taking risks and chances has a lot to do with social and cultural impact as well as our childhood programming.

Fear has always been tagged as being negative, but without fear we would do really stupid things! In my case, if I had literally zero fear, I wouldn’t stop being 24/7 dare devil which in turn would mean 206 broken bones in my body! But when it comes to chances related to progress in life then we have to do something to subside this overwhelming fear.

“Fear is inevitable, I have to accept that, but I cannot allow it to paralyze me.” ~Isabelle Allende

How can we deal with fear of taking risks? We fake it, till we make it and use positive affirmation. How do we use positive affirmation? Let’s say Bob is weak at math,  his worst subject is fractions. Although he is putting is work to increase his marks he would still do anything to get out of that horrible math class. When he speaks to his school friends, he mentions how much he sucks at the subject and he can’t do it. Bob ends up convincing himself he can never over come fraction and sets a pretty weak impression on others as well. This mindset of self doubt ends up having a negative impact on his grades. But if Bob uses positive affirmation instead of being negative, and say’s, he is amazing at math and he is working on his fractions. This skill of positivity would keep his confidence high and the fear would decrease. You are your own worst enemy, therefore use reverse psychology to convince yourself that YOU CAN DO IT! If you are afraid to take the next step, positive affirmation is the way to go. You will be fine!

But then comes, if I fail those people standing their will laugh at me! I will be the joke of the town! They will judge me! But honestly who cares? Trust me, if you try to impress every one, you will never be happy. If you don’t let people judge you, you will never find out who loves you and who likes your work. Let people judge you and get feedback. If you are holding back because you are afraid of criticism then you are limiting yourself to grow. You are missing out on the opportunity to find out what to improve on.

Comfort zone is a big one! People would rather 9-5, eat, sleep, wake up and repeat, than pursue what is out of the norm for them. They come up with all these excuses to keep them from taking the risk, I’m too busy, I don’t have the money, or I don’t want to disappoint others. But they don’t realize most retired people now complain, hey should have taken more risks, settled less and spoken up more often.  Not saying we have to take risks every chance we get, but we have to take quality risks to bring a change and create more learning opportunities. Why live a stagnate life when we have potential and opportunity to achieve way more than we could imagine. We think if something is not working out then it will just sort itself out or if something is just going the way it is, changes will come on it’s own, ONE DAY! NO! If there is no progress in your life, then I am sorry you are doing something wrong! And changes won’t just come to you, you have to work for it! At this day and age people with physical disabilities with the right mindset have achieved more than we can even imagine and we limit ourselves to daily norms?! If we don’t push out of our comfort zone and work towards our set goals and dreams then we will be stuck where we never wanted to be at the first place. Remember when we don’t become our dream, we actually get smaller.

All this talk is good but many of us are logical. Many of us are afraid that once we take that risk we won’t be in control of the situation and therefore it will back-fire and hit the ground immensely hard! Fear of not being in control. But that is what chance is right? You don’t have control over the situation. I am not saying to take chance like you are playing the lottery, or you are betting in a casino! Please don’t do that! Remember too much risk equals imbalance in life. When you are taking a risk, make sure it’s a calculated risk. If you are preparing to launch a business, study the market, do your research! If you are going skydiving, read the guidelines, study and make sure you pay attention at the training sessions. We might not know what the outcome will be but we want to make sure the odds are in our favor. Chance favors the prepared.

Think about it, you have one life and limited time to achieve certain goals. Would you rather just fit in or achieve your goals whether it be Health, Wealth, Relationship, and Education. Take a risk, the odds are better than you think. Failing is far more productive than doing nothing at all!

Thanks again,

DLA

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rejection – Say No to your Inner Sulker

Hello World,

When someone say’s No…

Yes, we’ve all been there! We all faced rejection more than once in our lives. Whether be it in relationships, job interviews, business ideas, you name it. But why does it hurt so bad? Why can’t we just accept and move on right away? Why does that, “NO” sting like a deadly Yellow Jacket bee!

Rejection activates the same areas of the brain equally as when we feel physical pain. Though, we forget how physical pain once felt but we definitely hold on to social pain. We can vividly recall and re-live the emotional discomfort we felt when we got rejected. But we can’t recollect the feeling for a past physical pain we experienced.

Rejection takes a Shot at our Self-esteem…

Perhaps we all have a BIG head full of ego! Maybe we are a bit stubborn at heart. Perhaps it hurts a hell lot because we all set our hope on something; however in return we don’t wind up receiving what we hoped for. We want what we want right??!

Then comes the question, Why? Why did we get rejected? We talk ourselves into thinking it’s us. Must be ME! John doesn’t like me! hmm must be because I am not good looking enough, maybe because of how I speak, or wait am I too fat? I got rejected from that job because I am not deserving. My business idea got turned down again, I should quit, I am a failure in life. Negative!

Rejection is when both parties are not a perfect fit for each other, doesn’t mean something is wrong with you! If someone say’s the word “NO!”, it’s because they have their own list of preferences and we don’t match. We are guilty of being denial as well, we all have our own preference list! We would most likely say no to someone who doesn’t fit our needs but we forget that instantly in our situation. This is the same reason why our favorite company we always wanted to work for rejects us. There were thousands of applicants and someone else better fit’s their criteria. And here is the big one, if a business idea is rejected and the next route is quitting, then I question why you chose to become an entrepreneur in the first place!

Two types of thinkers … 

There are two types of thinkers when it comes to rejection, 1. who sulks and sulks forever and 2. who adapts. Which one are you?

If you chose number one, the Sulker, then toughen up sweetheart! You are wasting time. When you are facing rejection, the best thing to do is open a journal to document your feelings, or call a close one and vent, next step: Move on…

I am the one in he middle, I sulk and adapt pretty darn quickly. Rejection stings for a bit, it’s human nature. But there is a lesson attached to every rejection in life. If everything we ever wanted was handed easily to us, we won’t get the opportunity to work hard for it. We would lose the value and importance of that want. Plus, that would take away great learning prospect which would make us all pretty darn stupid! Rejection is important in life, it makes us stronger. The best skill to learn from rejection is how to become a great negotiator.

If a party say’s no, instead of sulking try to understand why it’s a no. Ask the right questions. If you ask the right questions, maybe you can work your way to a yes. If it’s still a no then get feedback. Getting feedback is important, this will help us improve. Never forget to keep in touch. There is no reason to stop keeping a connection with someone or a party who has rejected you. If you keep in touch, you never know what the future holds.

Don’t be a Sulker!

Dla 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good Habit’s – Let’s start our 2017

Hello World,

What are some of your resolution this new year?

H0w are you doing so far with your resolutions? Did you end up postponing for the next day? Did you give up after first few days of trying?

Most of us have difficulty following through on our goals and taking it to completion. We plan the goal, yes that part is easy peasy, we are good at setting goals! But we don’t actually write the goal down on paper to keep track and to remind us that THIS needs to GET DONE! Some of us just give up, we have other work, we are too “Busy” or other things seem more important…I have been down that road, I know how resolution setting works. For some it comes down to my first post, Dreaming… (Where to start?)

Let’s pick up some good habit’s and let’s work on our goals today. I believe the one thing trick to keep working on our goals is consistency. People give up and quit for various reasons. We just don’t where or how to start! We didn’t do the research. Let’s get this straight, the idea of the goal seems flawless but can someone else do the research for us?! We don’t like how much over time/hard work this  goal will need. We don’t like work, we want to save time rather than waste it. Hence we don’t have time. We get distracted; our Netflix shows are better than our goals. We don’t know what’s involved. We don’t know the outcome; seems like it won’t work and we won’t get the desired results.

Why don’t we just start?

Seems like we fear the unknown and our “optimistic bias” is making us procrastinate once again. How do we get consistent and stick to our goals then? First of all let’s evaluate this goal. Let’s review the significance of this goal, in my post Simplicity – Rules to Organize, I talk about how to simplify your ideas. Let’s ask the following questions, how long will this goal matter? Can this goal be postponed? If you start to work towards this goal today, what are the outcomes and how will it benefit you? If you get this done today, would you have more time left on your hands tomorrow? The last question is very important. For example, if I automate all my banking transactions today, it saves me time for going in and paying my bills.

After we decide the significance of our goal, we start to practice and we have to practice for it every day. This is just like how a person would study for their GMAT, MCAT, LSAT or any other professional designation. We have to practice for it every day without a gap. This is a ritual, which keeps the consistency flowing. Consistency brings results. We cannot in any circumstance quit because we are not getting instant results. We have to track our progress.

Tracking is very important. Tracking motivates us. We will track our results every day till we reached the destination. The outcome will be fruitful. Let’s stop fearing what the outcome will be, because if we practice and show patience it will be worthwhile.

How can we incorporate practice towards our goals every day in our lives? We have very demanding lives, how can take out time for it? By starting slow. You don’t have to complete your goal in one day. That’s wishful thinking, won’t happen in a day! To achieve we have to put research, knowledge and hard work. Start by forecasting how much time this goal needs, we often over-estimate how much time a project needs to reach it’s completion. For example, to lose certain amount of weight or to achieve a type of body shape, we would need 30 days and we will work-out/practice 30 minutes every day to see the complete result on the 30 day mark. if you are having difficulty forecasting, then put in 15 minutes to start just on research.  Research boost confidence. We have a highly variable neuroplasticity brain, we love to learn and adapt. Knowledge will make us more confident towards our goals.

How do we keep going without losing focus?

Let’s discuss items that get in the way of our goal and serves no importance. Let’s put Social media; Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Television, PS4, Xbox etc. on the side for a bit. There is a time and place for everything but when it comes to our achievements, social media is serving us, it’s distracting us from our purpose. Our goals are our priorities.

The reason we need to practice each day is to get a bit closer to the destination every single day. But I get it, when we do something every day without variation it will eventually get boring. Then we will lose interest. This is when I stress the importance of tracking once again. We need to track to see progress. It’s a mind trick. It’s almost as if we are setting a goal every day, and we are achieving something every day; these are our short term milestones that will lead to our over all goal.

One of my new year resolution was as simple as drinking water every day to improve my over all health, skin and lifestyle. I downloaded a simple app on my phone called Lifesum. It tracks my calorie count to my every day workout. However, the thing that most interested me was the tracking of how much water I intake in a day. The tracking method is genius! It shows that I need to consume 8 glasses a day. Each time I successfully have 8 glasses and track in on the app, it gives me a thumbs up and trophy for achieving my goal. That is recognition. We need recognition to complete our every day boring goals. For example, if you are on diet/workout plan to reach a certain body type, you get one cheat day because you deserve it for your hard work.

What do we have to repeat?   

  1. Evaluate the goal – Is it significant?
  2. Set short term goals
  3. Practice towards it every day (consistency will show result)
  4. Don’t the short term goals become boring and treat yourself!

Remember practice makes perfect!

Dla

 

Hope – How to Cope when a Loved one is Suffering

Hello World,

Accept…

It’s hard for us to accept that someone we made great memories with are suffering and passing before our eyes. Hard to accept someone who holds value in our lives will no longer be a part of it going forward. When you first hear a loved one has been diagnosed with a terminally ill disease, you just don’t know how to react. Over load of emotion takes over. One self harming thing we do is bottle our emotions and just try to deal with it. But the good thing to do is to step a side from the loved one for a bit and find a room where you can be a lone; maybe your bedroom or the washroom. Any room where it’s just you to sort out your emotions. You should just cry it out, speak it out; any thoughts you are feeling at that very moment needs be out in the open. Don’t worry if this process takes 3 hours or a day or two but this needs to happen to handle this tough situation better.

You need to step away from your loved ones for a bit, that way they don’t see you broken. If they see you broken then this effects them  very deeply. They already have the burden of sorting out their own emotions. They face a great deal of stress, fear and confusion at that time. They are pushed in a new life situation where they have to face death well before it is expected.  You need to get your emotions out so you can be a good support and make this heavy situation much lighter for your loved ones.

Love them …

I know the seriousness of the situation but you have to show them love. They can’t feel that things have changed, the love you had for them has changed in any way. You need to tell or show them how much you love them every day. Remind them of memories that you created together, maybe even take them to re-live the memory. Make them happy. You no means have to show that everything will be okay but try to minimize the negativity in the atmosphere.  You don’t have to bottle your emotions and force positivity. But try to highlight the positive. Ex: If your loved one is in the hospital lying in the bed, maybe say something like about how good they look today.

Don’t be selfish …

Maybe you know best at that time, or maybe you are trying to do everything perfectly, maybe you know how to handle the situation more than your loved ones. But remember they have a coping method as well. Their emotions and how they want to handle the situation matters more than how you would like to handle it. Whatever they say goes, they are the boss. Let them make their own decisions and stand by it. Remember, anything to make them happy!

Don’t be scared to say goodbye …

The last moments; sit very close to them, hold their hand and stroke their hair lightly, soft and gently, this will make them feel good. Don’t be afraid to say good bye. This part is the hardest. Accept, it will take time to fill a void. You will miss them, yes. But don’t worry that is what life is. Don’t hold on, best coping methods are hot showers everyday and picking up a hobby. Read a great book or place yourself in settings of new or old friends. Go for a long drive and put on music you love. Music therapy is the best way to coping with sadness. At the end,  just celebrate their lives they spent with you and remember them with a lot of happiness. Remember the joy they brought to your life and how they want to see you now. They want to see you happy, healthy and successful in your life.

When you love give it your 100% till the end,

Sincerely,

Dla

 

 

Simplicity – Rules to Organize

Hello World,

We forgot how to Live…

Human beings are very indecisive. We over-think, re-play events until that situation is over complicated and tangled in our minds. We have great ideas, we just keep adding instead of eliminating. Elimination doesn’t come to us easy. We live in a time of options and therefore we create additional problems to add to our idea/situation making t more complicated.

Why is that? Why do we put ourselves through this torture? Confusion/Complication! Why can’t we just take things slow and break things down? That seems quite simple, doesn’t it??? Well it’s not because one part of our brain is a rider (An analytical/controlled/rational side). While the other side of our brain is an elephant, (An emotional/automatic/irrational side) dreamer. The rider and the elephant work together and make our  thoughts complex. In the complexity we have a tough time reaching the result. For a result, the rider needs direction and the elephant needs motivation.

A balance in the rider side of the brain and the elephant side of the brain with clear direction and motivation can make our lives much simpler. Create a clear path, this helps us cut down noise, the extra things we don’t need to focus on.

We know the concept of time. We know that we live for a bit but then eventually we have to face our biggest fear, DEATH! Knowing that sucks! This automatically puts us on a time constraint. We take on too much in such little time frame. We want to achieve certain goals and live a certain life within our window. But if you take an animal for instance, a dog has no time constraints. A dog doesn’t have a concept of time like us. They don’t know that their time is limited. They don’t know when their birthday it is or what time it is right now this very moment. They know the things they are trained to do, taught and saw and emotions such as love. But they live for the moment! We forget to do that…live for the moment.

Don’t be a Clutter Box…

To adapt a clear simple path in our daily lives, we must break our tasks down the night before or early in the morning. The night before sleeping open your Task tracker app, Evernote, Wunderlist etc. or just simply open up a notebook and jot down the things that need to happen tomorrow. Jot everything down, even the tasks you wish to achieve. but most likely will clutter your schedule. Then organize them as priority. Out of all your tasks make sure you have 5 task that will get done the next day, as in your top priority. Make sure all tasks have a TIME on it; ex: I have work in the morning and will be done at 5:30 pm, then must go to the gym at 6:00 pm and get a 1 hour work-out; After that I need to start to work on my meal for the next day at 7:00 pm.  Don’t clutter your list and remember the process of elimination, organize in a  clear manner from high priority to low priority. If you focus o your short term goals for today then your path will get simpler. It doesn’t have to be a clutter.

Until next time,

Dla

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dreaming… (Where to start?)

Hello world,

Where to start?

Isn’t it the hardest thing to do when starting something fresh and new? Where to start?  Where to begin?… tell me if you had been in a situation where you dreamt, thought and pondered for days of starting something new, visualizing for hours to create that magic per se, but that special project just  didn’t come to life. Maybe it was a project for school or work, joining a new class for a hobby, starting a new business, or even making a trip down somewhere you have always wanted to see. The list is endless. But where to start?

We love to Dream …

We love to dream and we dream big but why do we have problems executing our dreams? Why is beginning so difficult? What are our draw backs? Is it that dreaming is easier than putting in the actual work and planning is easier than performing?

In simple words if we don’t put work towards our goals than we are procrastinating. Having goals are great but if we don’t start somewhere our goals then become wishes. We know this! But why do we keep on changing our start date to the next day and the next day and then the next day? Our common excuses are, I still have time, I will do it tomorrow, I am busy, I need to relax now. When we all know the real reason is FEAR! You just don’t know where to start, your afraid of being judged, you have a fear of failing, you have a fear of too much work and time consumption. All BIG EXCUSES!

Life Hacks of Starting…

Let’s start this project. I’ll help you through it ALL. Let’s start by defining the project. You really want to achieve and complete this task; Check! Now, let’s start only by 15 minutes of your time! Not a day, no not 6 hours, not an hour but 15 minutes; Seems Doable!  Write this goal down on your handy dandy note pad but since you are all tech savvy’s let’s download a really great task tracking app! My personal favorite is Wunderlist and Evernote. Set a Start Date beside your project and take out 15 minutes every day for the first task. You are thinking just 15 minutes? YES! just 15 minutes. It’s easier to start smaller than bigger. It’s all about training and habit, once you start there is no looking back. 

Now you are thinking, all that is good, I already know this part but what about the task? The first task, what is that? umm remember I had a problem starting! Yes, yes, I  do remember. First task is always research. Knowledge helps you gain confidence. If your fear of starting the project is failure and being judged, than that research works as a great brace. Or maybe you are an expert at the topic of the project but what about the execution? Research on how to bring the project to life. Take notes! 

Always assess your progress. Track, Track, Track! This will hopefully help you get you started! Listen, just 15 minutes, that’s all.

I will write to you soon to follow up on the outcome.

Sincerely,

Dla